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BREAKING: World Did Not End Yesterday

By JAMES WESTMAN - September 24, 2017

LOUISIANA—In a shocking turn of events, prophecies claiming the world would come to an end on September 23, 2017, have not come to pass, report sources from around the globe.

Many people waited expectantly for the fiery apocalypse as the clock counted down to midnight on Saturday. However, the moment seemed to pass without incident. "I'm not sure what went wrong," said Arthur Smith, a self-declared eschatologist. "Maybe my calculations were wrong somewhere."

According to his website, Smith believed the 23 was the date as the result of a complex equation involving the alignments of the planets, the recent onslaught of natural disasters, and a few cherrypicked passages in Daniel and Revelation, among other factors. The page was taken down soon after midnight, but it is available on archive.org.

Proponents of the theory state that Nibiru, a rogue planet orbiting somewhere in the solar system, should have collided with Earth yesterday. Clearly, this did not occur. Explanations vary as to how this 'planet' has gone unnoticed, ranging from the planet being hidden behind the Sun to elaborate coverups by the world's space agencies. Scientists at NASA have repeatedly stated that no such object exists.

Some say the date was wrong the whole time. "It's next Saturday, I've been telling them all along," said Benjamin Bering, founder of the National Apocalyptic Countdown Association. "I've shown them all the calculations. Nothing will convince them. It's this Saturday, the 29th. I'm sure of it. You'd better be ready."

Still others claim that the world did, in fact, end yesterday, but not in the way we expected. Harrison Martin, pastor at First Believing Church of God's Holy, Inspired Word, Allenville, says this: "The End of Times was yesterday. You misunderstand the Word. The Messiah is not to return in His full glory for a few years. The September 23 event was more of a spiritual event, a sort of pre-judgement, if you catch my meaning." Members of his congregation, who asked to remain anonymous, stated that he did not say anything along those lines in his sermon this past Sunday. "You'll hear all about it in church today," Martin told us over the phone. "Come to church today. I've got all the answers, and I'm revealing them all this morning."

Many, however, are becoming skeptical of these prophecies, and they may have a point. Allison White, another member of Martin's church, is one such skeptic. "I'm just not sure about this one," she says. "He's predicted the apocalypse several times before, and he always 'miscalculates,' or we 'misunderstand' his teaching. Next Sunday I'm going to go find a pastor who actually knows what he's talking about and can give me an exact date, for certain."

Meanwhile, the rest of the world seems to be amused by all the fiery predictions. "These people are so bizarre it's funny," said one commentor on Reddit. "I'll be waiting expectantly while I stare at pictures of cats," said another.

Disclaimer: All names in this article are used fictitiously.